what an awful scary emotionally draining night. first, someone gets shot a block from me. when i try and get support from friends they are unsensitive. here i am scared and they couldn't care less. then, there's an earthquake. then, i decide to be a masochist and go on this online dating website i met my ex and check out his profile. i haven't been on this site since oct 07 but decided for some reason to revisit the site. i decide to click on his profile and see he's now not only in a relationship but in love. he really really hurt me and my relationship with him was emotionally draining and difficult. i was hurt in the process of our relationship and during the breakup. it was intense and very painful. and now i see he's in love with someone else. my heart hurts again. i never loved him but i still feel pain. i've been upset and on edge lately. i need a friend. i've tried to reach out to one friend but i feel like it wouldn't work for him to be my friend and emotionally support me because he's attracted to me. i feel like just talking isn't enough for him. he keeps on pushing me further than i'm comfortable with. he's a nice guy but he doesn't understand that i can't just try and like him. or let him touch me when i don't want him to. i've felt so powerless to men in relationships in the past and i don't want to feel that way again. even if the guy in question compliments me a lot, does nice things for me etc etc. i can't let a man have his way with me again just because he wants to.

eugene gould was his name. he looked like a certain ex but he wasn't that ex. he was much much nicer than that ex. really sweet actually. met up with him at a pool after the prenatal massage therapy class. couldn't find him for a while. before that, at his house because my parent's house was busy with people, a party. his house, slowly ppl started to arrive and then leave. he apologized for that. we weren't gonna do anything physical but we ended up making out cause i wanted to. cause i liked him. i wish this wasn't in a dream. i wish it was reality. i really liked this guy in my dream. this is the second or third dream in a row i've had about a relationship and sex. i think i miss being in a relationship or at least having someone i like to hold me. i want kevin to hold me but he mostly decided it was a bad idea for us to see each other, which i agree with but i still wanna have him hold me, kiss my hand like he used to. i miss the connection i felt with him right after we'd kiss, when our faces were still pressed against each other. i felt connected to him at that moment.

I feel like such a screw up. I feel like everyone is telling me today how much of a screw up I am! How I'm flakey, how I'm incompetent. I've been crying because of this. I can't let people tell me who I am. I can't let people tell me I'm a screw up, I'm a flake. I know in my heart I'm not a flake and I'm not a screw up. I'm so upset today. This is my second crying session today.

i'm so frustrated with my family. and i'm in this situation that's so unique to my family i don't think anyone could understand. in my family once you graduate from college, you get $12,000 a year. my dad says i can do whatever with that, my grandma, who's the one who puts in the money, says i have to use it towards education. but i don't even know whether i want to go to grad school or not! my dad says there is plenty of money excluding this

the only people who could understand what i'm going through is someone my age who's family saved and planned for a trust fund but who's family members all have different ideas of what and when i should get the money. i know, poor little rich girl. but at the same time, it doesn't have to be this hard for me. i shouldn't have to cry and worry about money all the time like i do.

fuck fuckedy fuck fuck fuck. i'm so tired and i'm supposed to have tomorrow off but guess what? NO!!!!!! i forgot i'm supposed to cover for my co-worker! god damn it! i need to quit this job but i just started two months ago. i feel bad about quitting so soon. i just remembered like a half an hour ago that i have to cover my co-worker tomorrow!!!!!!!!! i'm so stressed out, i'm not happy in my life, i have too few friends and they are never around, i don't talk or rely on my mother. i wish i didn't have to deal with all this shit. i just wish i wasn't alive right now. i have so many fucking things i need to take care of but i can't cause i'm working tomorrow. great.

Golden Gate Obstretrics don't allow their patients to have doulas at their births. Health care should be about choice, not fear and judgement GG Obstetrics.

Link is too long but see Golden Gate Ob/Gyn Office Forms, Most Commonly Asked OB Questions, #16

Why am I not surprised they work at CPMC? *Sigh*

sacred birth place

I haven't actually given birth here but I've met Selena, the Midwife, and Nariman, the doula. Both were very nice. The birthing center itself is gorgeous. Nice jacuzzi tubs, beautiful furniture etc. I've also heard good stories about births taken place here. If you are a pregnant mommy in the East Bay, definitely check it out.

alta bates

My second client gave birth at Alta Bates. Her nurse, Marianne, was awesome to both me and my client. Her midwives were awesome (Greta and Sally). Midwife Sally suggested my client labor on the toilet when she was transitioning and I think it really helped my client dilate those extra few centimeters.

I do have a few complaints:

First, the rooms are very small.

Second, doulas have to wait downstairs until their clients are done with triage then dad or friend or cousin has to leave laboring mom to go downstairs and get doula. That is hard for laboring mom, having hubby leave to get doula and it's hard for the doula to not be able to provide labor support for that length of time. This is a big problem.

Third, there were a lot of people who magically appeared right before my client birthed her baby, presumably to clean the baby, weight and measure baby etc. How come there needs to be all these people at Alta Bates just to clean the baby, weight the baby etc when at Kaiser it only took the Nurse already there to do these things? It seems unnecessary and intrusive.

Other than those three things, it was a good experience at Alta Bates. I look forward to doula-ing again there soon.

kaiser walnut creek

The stars aligned last night for my client, S., to have a gorgeous birth at Kaiser. Her Certified Nurse Midwife (CNM), Kristen, was AMAZING, and super nice and helpful to me, the doula in training. Kristen stayed with S. through the whole pushing stage and was incredibly helpful. Kristen let me and S.'s mother hold S.'s legs so we got a front row seat for the crowning and delivery of the baby. Kristen told me later that she was able to stay with us for so long because there wasn't anyone else who needed her. S.'s RN, Flora, was great too.

5 stars for Kristen, Flora, free parking, not having any medical interventions pushed on my client, being doula friendly, clean facilities, a shower (which helped S. a great deal), putting baby right on S.'s chest after the delivery and helping S. breastfeed right away.

cutting my addictions. i've decided to take a break from the social networking site i met this guy from. take a break for a few days at least. taking a break from it will help me hate him less i think. give me some distance. life goes on. he has my cell no if he really wants to hang out again. otherwise, oh well. i could tell myself that i'll meet others but the truth is, i may not. i may never meet the one for me. my life is very stressful right now. i have too few friends. too few money. i have no love. my job is stressful. i need another part time job. i might need a roommate. i think i need to go see an intuitive counselor again but i'm scared but it's hard! it's really really emotional to go see one. i don't feel like crying anymore. it's really hard to "let go" when the person you like, who you are trying to forget about, is always online, on the internet. a presence in front of you. i wanna tell everyone around me to go fuck themselves right now. i wanna tell this guy to go fuck himself, i wanna tell another guy i like to go fuck himself. i'm worth more than this shit. a guy should call me on the fucking phone and making fucking dates with me on the fucking phone. one of the guys is a southerner and he's always talking about how ppl up here don't know how to date. he doesn't fucking know how to date. i just don't wanna date right now. everyone fucking sucks. i don't feel loved at all. i'm a good person. i'm worthy of love. why don't i have love. i have a good singing voice, i'm a good dancer, i'm a kind person, i (used to be a) am a good writer, i'm smart, i can be funny, i'm decent looking. then why do i want to die? i wish i had never started talking to this guy on this social networking website. i wish i had never met him. i wish he had never showed an interest in me. i wish my job was different.